Is This It?

First of all... Thank you Phebe... I did a little research (I googled it) and only found that a 12 year boy died from spraying too much deodorant on in a little space and then he had irregular heart beats and stuff. Weird huh?

Second... a New Year... a new man? I just can't believe what a change I came home to. I love my family and I love being out here in Hawaii... in our own home. I think last semester Kasala saw how stressed out I was getting with working, taking care of Terina and making sure our house was always clean cause people like to "drop by" all the time and sometimes we wanna keep our doors open. Anyways, I came home and right away had to drop my bags and run to the elementary school to get a shot. I came home, took Terina outside to play then started to unpack. By the time Kasala got home from work Terina was in bed and I was so exhausted. He didn't ask about dinner (it was cold pizza in the fridge) but instead came in and washed the dishes that I had not got around to. Kasala doesn't wash dishes. He'll clean everything else but he doesn't wash dishes. Last semester I didn't ask him to do much. I want him to concentrate on school work so that he can do his best. But I think he noticed how worn down I was getting all the time. Anyways... Kasala has totally turned a new leaf! I love him more than ever. He wasn't a bad guy before don't get me wrong but it just seems as if we have grown so much in this last 6 months and that things can only get better!

Third.... I started this post 2 days ago and I don't quite remember where I was.... lets see... MOTHERHOOD!! I was reading what Phebe had to say about being a mom and all that it entails and I love her philosophy... if you don't go into things with huge expectations then you won't get disappointed when things don't go as you want them to. I think I'm the total opposite. I have always wanted to be a mom... I never saw myself doing anything else. I had a life plan and, of course, that plan didn't really work out as I wanted it to. I was "suppose to" go to college, graduate, get a job, a house, married to someone with a good job and then have kids and stay home. Then raise those kids and go back to work when they were all in school.

The plan was a wonderful plan..... but reality is that it didn't happen. Mom got me a book for Christmas I Am a Mother and I read almost the whole thing on the airplane while Terina was sleeping. The plan doesn't always work out and being a mother is more than just cleaning house and coloring. I think that growing up that I would be a patient and fun mom. You know... one of those mom's who all your kid's friends wanna hang out with. I am far from patient and I don't think I'm much fun either. I have to do everything in my power EVERY SINGLE DAY not to lose it. In the book it talked about how one mom would lock herself in the bathroom just to get some time to herself. I find that I do that too. I'll lock the door and sit in there and cry because Terina isn't doing what I want her too or she colored all over the walls again or she got in the fridge and broke all the eggs while I was cleaning up pee on the carpet.... it's always something and I'm always wanting to just punch someone or something!

I always thought I was going to be a good, loving mom and wife when in reality I go to bed thinking about everything I did wrong that day or how horrible of a mom I am and how Terina is going to hate me by the time she's 4. And sure enough... I wake up the next morning ready to give it another try just to go to bed disappointed again. Will the cycle ever end? I just want my dream plan to come true.... The perfect job, the perfect family with a little perfect house...... pish posh.... I guess the only thing left to do is make due with what we have keep trying to improve each day.... and not pull my hair out or punch anyone