Self Pitty

I love the fact that BYU gave us more tv channels. I love watching TLC. It's way better than Sports Center 24/7. Anyways, as I sit here at 10:30pm on a Friday night with Terina and Kasala at work we're sitting here watching Say Yes To The Dress and I can't help but feel like I deprived my parents of paying tens of thousands of dollars for a wedding dress for me and a couple thousands more on a wedding. Weddings are a sore subject in my heart. I'm usually excited when someone gets married (i.e. one of my brothers) and then I get sucked into what I've missed out on. Do I regret the choices I made? Not really. I was young, not really paying attention to what I knew was right and I was not thinking about long term consequences. I love Kasala. He was my first and only love. He is everything I could have ever asked for. I love Terina. She is the reason that I was put here on earth... to be a mother, to teach my children the gospel and love them. Do I wish we would have done things differently? Heck yeah! I really do wish that we would have done things differently. I wish that we didn't run out and do what we thought was right and did what we felt was right in our hearts. Can I go back to October 2005 and change what happend? Nope. So what's a girl to do? Teach my children. Help them learn from my mistakes. Let them know that no matter what choices them make that I'm still their mother and that I will love and support them no matter what. Make sure my children understand the importance of the Atoinment and what it means for us screw ups. Teach them how to be truely repentant and then teach them how to let it go. This is what I think I'm still struggling with... just letting it go. 4 hard, long, wonderful, trying and happy years have passed and I still feel like a loser every time I hear that one of my brothers is getting married. I haven't learned to just let it go... let it burn! We've been sealed in the temple and that was the goal. Nothing else matters right? The goal is the same for everyone. The path you travel to get there isn't. The reward is the same... being together as a family for time and all eternity. And how can I feel sad about that? I think I just needed to get that off my chest. Please don't feel bad for me, it's not why I wrote about it. It was just something on my mind.... Maybe I should stop watching wedding shows.